


Change My Mind

by hufflepuffkaspbrak



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-21 16:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17046671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hufflepuffkaspbrak/pseuds/hufflepuffkaspbrak
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak is in love with his childhood friend and sometimes said friend's obliviousness gets to be too much.





	Change My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> written for @beepbeep-losers on tumblr for the It Fandom Prompts rarepair secret santa! hope ya like it!!!
> 
> (idea is from the play almost, maine & the title is from change my mind by 1d)

Eddie Kaspbrak wasn’t exactly unhappy with his life. In fact, his life was pretty great. He was a pediatric nurse at a local hospital, his exact dream job. He lived in a city with most of his best friends from childhood, the few that didn’t live nearby visiting and keeping in touch enough that he still considered them his best friends. He had a fairly decent apartment that he shared with one of said friends. He wasn’t sick, struggling with money, or in harm’s way.

Despite all this, he always had an emptiness in his chest that never seemed to be filled.

Of course, he knew what this emptiness was caused by and had only ever uttered it to one living soul in his life on a drunken night, despite the fact that he’s pretty sure the rest of his friends had caught on.

From the moment Eddie met his best friend, Bill Denbrough, he’d always had some sort of idolization of him. He was the one to stand up to the bullies, fight back in quick quips despite his boyhood stutter, and physically attack when necessary. He was the natural leader of their friend group and, because of this, everyone sort of gravitated towards him for guidance.

Somewhere around the end of middle school between puberty and the anxiety of starting high school and standing up to his mom and breaking his arm, Eddie realized he was gay, and, subsequently, turned his idolization of Bill into a big, fat crush.

This caused him panic at first, so much panic that he tried to avoid being alone with Bill to the best of his abilities until Bill realized and Eddie stopped, unable to handle the hurt in his friend’s voice. So, he resorted to suppressing the emotion, pushing it down so deep into his brain that sometimes he forgot it was there. The moments that Bill did something particularly heroic, or nice, or the red in his hair shined in the sun in just the right way, Eddie’s heart would leap and he would instantly be reminded of it.

And then of course, came time for college and most of their friend group (dubbed the losers), sans Mike and Stan, decided to go to New York, splitting up into two apartments and, as luck would have it, Bill and Eddie would be sharing a place. One thing led to the next and Bill came out as bi, Eddie had a crisis, Ben and Beverly got together, Richie landed a radio internship, and Eddie ended up throwing up in a trashcan on the side of Richie’s bed, crying about how much he liked Bill and couldn’t do anything about it.

“Oh, _Eds_ , we’ve known.” Richie had one hand on Eddie’s back, rubbing it lightly and he heaved his guts out in between sobs.

“You -” Eddie hiccupped. “You knew?”

“Not officially, no.” Richie replied, helping Eddie sit up on the bed when he seemed like he was done puking. “But we’ve all seen the way you look at Bill like he hung the fuckin’ stars or some shit.”

“Please don’t tell anyone.” Tears continued to stream down Eddie face as he bundled himself under Richie’s covers, exhaustion coming over him.

“Of course not, Eddie Spaghetti, your secret’s safe with me.” Richie mimed zipping his mouth and locking it, winding his arm back and throwing the fake key hard.

Richie kept his word, only bringing up the incident again the next morning to make sure Eddie had known what he’d done, and not saying a word about it afterwards. Eddie didn’t mention it either, despite Richie being someone he’d trust his life with, he felt a bit odd talking about his feelings for their mutual friend.

This led to Eddie going on date after date after date, trying to find someone he clicked with. And sitting idly by while Bill went on date after date after date. All of which end with Bill stumbling into the apartment, without his date, and laying on the couch until the TV put him to sleep.

“I’m tired of going on dates.” Bill announced one night as he walked into the room and hung his coat up.

Eddie closed his book, placing in on the coffee table in front of him. “Didn’t go well with _Audra_?”

“It’s not that it didn’t go well.” Bill took a deep breath, letting it out as he flopped down on the couch. “She’s great but…”

Eddie raised his eyebrows. “But what?”

“It’s like…I have to sit there and explain childhood trauma and why sometimes I have a stutter and sometimes I don’t and why I shiver when I pass by a sewer.”

“Well, you don’t _have_ to explain it.”

“But it comes up eventually.” Bill looked down where his hands were folding in his lap and sighed. “It’s just…why can’t everything be as easy as it is with you.”

Eddie smiled, his heart fluttering slightly. “We’re best friends, Bill. It’s hard to get to that point with someone within one date.”

Bill leaned further back in the couch, looking up at Eddie from his slouched over position and the corners of his mouth rising. “I should just date you.”

Eddie made a noise in the back of his throat and stood up from the couch quickly. “Yeah maybe.” He muttered and scratched the back of his neck.

“Don’t take that the wrong way or anything. I just mean you’re the person I’m most comfortable with in this world and it would make everything so simple.”

“But?”

“But we’re best friends so obviously it’s never going to happen.” Bill smiled.

“Y-yeah.” Eddie responding, cursing himself for stuttering on the word. “Of course. Never. Why would that even happen? Like, it’s ridiculous. It’s weird to even think about.”

“Exactly.” Bill smiled widely, oblivious to the inner meltdown Eddie was having, relaxing fully into the couch and turning on the TV.

Eddie made his way into his room, laying down and staring at the ceiling. He tried to connect the dots between the flecks and chips in the paint, making his own constellations. Lifting his pillow up and over his face, he pressed firmly against it and let out a scream, kicking his legs as he did. When he was satisfied, he let the pillow fall to his side and took a deep breath.

“I’m insane. _Actually insane_.” He muttered to himself as he heard Bill chuckling at something on the TV in the next room.

The next weekend Bill came home from another date, this time his face flushed with anger.

“He said writing was a childish dream.” He said, his mouth tense and his words coming out forced. “That I should give up now and focus on other things.”

“People always tell you that.” Eddie sighed. “Don’t let it get to you.”

Bill groaned and tugged at his hair in frustration. “Time after time after time, people just telling to give up or some shit, it just gets old.”

“Who cares, they’re people you aren’t even gonna have a second date with.”

“Eddie, don’t you want to be with someone? Don’t you want someone to mean something to you?” Bill made eye contact with Eddie and he swallowed hard.

“Of course I do.” Eddie’s voice coming out as a timid whisper.

He thought about all the times he went on dates with people and they asked what he looked for in a person. His thoughts always drifted to Bill. The times people asked if he’d ever been in love in his life. Eddie had never said the “L word” out loud, but he sure as hell figured the emotion was awfully close to pining for nearly a decade. The times he thought about the things in his life that truly meant the most to him and how all he wanted in life was for Bill to be able to be happy and live his dream.

“I want nothing more than to be with the person who means something to me.”

Bill took a deep breath. “And I’m trying to find that person for me, Eddie. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

“You have me.” Eddie’s mouth moved faster than his brain could stop it.

“You’re different.” Bill’s eyes flicked down to the floor where he was shuffling his feet. “We’ve said so ourselves. Best friends.”

“But you’re not alone.”

“Of course, I’ll always have you and the other losers, but do you not understand, Eddie?” Bill’s voice was wavering. “I want to feel something for someone who feels the same way back. I want to fall in love without being afraid and I want to come home to someone I can kiss and love and you and the losers aren’t that.”

Eddie clenched his jaw. “No. We’re not, you’re right.”

He went to his room, grabbing a backpack and shoving his things in it. When he emerged from his bedroom, Bill was sitting, head in his hands.

“Eddie, I’m sorry -”

“Don’t be.” He grabbed his coat and his keys. “You’re right, I’m not someone for you to love. I’m staying with Richie for a few days.”

“Eddie!” Bill called after him but he kept walking, refusing to turn around where Bill could see the tears forming in his eyes.

Richie opened the door to his apartment to Eddie with a backpack slung sloppily over his shoulder and red rimmed eyes.

“Please don’t say anything. I know I’m ridiculous. But can I just crash here for a few days?” Eddie rubbed his nose with the end of his sleeve.

“Uh, yeah, you can.” Richie stepped to the side and let Eddie into the room. “So, I can’t ask anything? Is something illegal involved? Murder, Eds? Was it murder?”

“It’s about Bill, it’s stupid and I don’t want to talk about it.” Eddie sniffled.

Richie’s mouth formed an “o” shape as he understood. “Oh, yeah, of course, I just…Beverly and Ben are home and -”

Before Richie could finish his sentence, Bev was running out of her bedroom door, arms flying open when she spotted Eddie crying. She grabbed him, pulling him tight into a hug that he couldn’t get out of even if he tried.

“What happened? Who do I have to hurt?”

Eddie sniffled again. “No one, Bev, I promise. It’s just me being stupid.”

“Oh.” She cooed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sure you aren’t being stupid. Do you want me to make you some tea?” Eddie rubbed at his eyes and nodded.

“They’re gonna ask.” Richie whispered to him as Bev left to the kitchen and Ben approached them.

“I’ll make something up.”

Fortunately for Eddie, Bev returned with the tea, Ben gave him a blanket that he wrapped himself in, Richie put in a movie, and none of them asked any questions. He could feel Ben’s eyes on him every now and then, silently asking what had happened, but he focused on the screen, desperately trying to ignore the burning of his friend’s stare.

The longer he sat on the couch, the more ridiculous he found himself believing he was. What the fuck was he doing, fleeing away from his own apartment and his best friend just because of a little unrequited crush? He knew what he was getting into every step of the way that led him to this moment. He knew that it would inevitably end with Bill falling in love and him having to move on. And now Bill probably knew everything.

Eddie let out a small strained sound of annoyance.

“Uh, you okay, Eddie?” Ben asked.

“I need to get home.” Eddie stood up, frantically throwing the blankets off his body. “I’m so sorry, this is ridiculous, I need to get back.”

“Are you gonna tell us what’s wrong?” Bev grabbed his hand in an attempt to stop him.

“I told you, Bev, it’s just me being stupid.” He shook his head.

“It’s us.” She smiled and tightened her grip on his hand, now clutching it with both of hers, her thumbs rubbing circles on the back of his. “We support you, Eddie, even if this is something murder related.”

“What’s with you guys and thinking I murdered someone?” He muttered and Richie let out a small bark of laughter.

“Do you know what’s happening?” Bev whipped her head over to look at Richie, raising an eyebrow.

“Uh, not…well kinda, but -” Richie stammered, a rare feeling where he couldn’t find the words to speak coming over him.

“Richie knows and not me?”

“It’s complicated.”

Ben took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut as if bracing for something before he spoke. “This is about Bill, isn’t it?”

Eddie felt as if the wind was knocked out of him and Richie made a pathetic squeaking noise.

“I swear, Eds, I didn’t tell _anyone_.”

“He didn’t have to,” Ben continued. “We’ve known.”

Eddie swallowed hard, his throat feeling as if it was closing up. Bev finally let go of his hand and looked at him with sad eyes.

“I don’t need your pity.”

“We don’t pity you.”

“Yes, you do. I know, it’s pathetic, and _cliché_ , a guy falls in love with his best friend, but I can deal with it alone, like I have been. I just need to get back.” Eddie tried again to move towards the door, his chest feeling heavy.

“You told Richie.” Bev pointed out.

“I was drunk and sad.”

“And you told me it made you feel a million times lighter to let someone know.” Richie spoke up.

Eddie pulled his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on it nervously. Richie wasn’t wrong.

“Why don’t you just…tell us what happened, and then you’re free to do whatever you heart wants. But it might make you feel better.” Bev patted the spot next to her on the couch, trying to get him to sit.

He groaned, but sat down nonetheless.

“How long?” Ben asked.

“Summer before freshman year.” Eddie whispered.

“So, what? Five, six years?”

“Of high school.”

“Oh. So, ten years.”

“About.” Eddie brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly. “I’ve just tried to ignore it.”  
Bev sighed. “You can’t do that, that’s not healthy.”

“No shit, Bev.” He snapped. “Sorry.” He added quietly. “It’s just…I know it’s not healthy, but I really don’t see any other option. I’m not gonna tell him and nothing’s gonna come from it so it’s easier to just ignore it.”

“Why won’t you tell him?”

Eddie let out a strained laugh. “Tell Bill? My best friend since kindergarten? What would I say? _‘Hey, I know we live together and have known each other our whole lives but I’m super fucking in love with you, hope you don’t get weirded out?’_ ”

“That sounds reasonable.” Richie shrugged, and Eddie rolled his eyes.

“I mean, it’s better than nothing.” Ben agreed.

“He went on and on today about wanting a connection, about wanting to fall in love and he said specifically I can never be that person for him. That’s why I came here. He said _‘I want someone to love and you aren’t that.’_ So, in what world would telling him be smart?”

Eddie could see Bev chewing on the inside of her cheek, Ben looked a bit guilty, and Richie just sighed and sat back into the couch.

“That’s what he said?” Bev asked.

“Yes. Said he doesn’t want to be alone.” Eddie replied. “So, I need to get back before he’s alone long enough to put two and two together. Besides, I have work tomorrow and I didn’t bring my scrubs.”

“Are you sure? You could just stop by your place before work if you’d like.” Ben suggested but Eddie shook his head.

“No, I really should go.”

“Okay.” Bev stood up with him and wrapped him up in another hug. “We love you, Eddie.”

Eddie smiled and picked up his back from where he tossed it against the wall.

“Knock ‘em dead, Eds.” Richie shot finger guns at him.

“Thanks, Rich.” He smiled, for once grateful for Richie’s inability to be serious for more than a few minutes.

Eddie took the long way back to his apartment. He knew he was delaying the inevitable, but the longer he could go without having to make up some excuse to Bill, the better. He thought about just citing a mental breakdown. It was often enough that work got stressful for him and he just broke down, Bill might buy it. Anything to just get the topic off of love and dating would be good enough for him.  
He took the stairs up to their floor as well instead of the fully functioning elevator. He didn’t know what he was going to walk into. Was Bill going to pretend this never happened? Was he going to be worried? Or will have figured it out and was waiting there to kick him out of the apartment?

Eddie rubbed his temple with his free hand. Bill wouldn’t kick him out. There was no way over 20 years of friendship would be thrown away like that. But it could alter the way Bill treated him. He might be more hesitant to do things around him, spend more time away. He didn’t know which outcome would be worse.

When he opened the door, Bill was sitting in the exact same spot as Eddie left him hours ago.

“Eddie!” Bill hopped up from the couch. His face was red, and his eyes were glassy. “Are you okay? I’m so sorry.”

“I’m fine, Bill, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.” He threw down his things. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been going crazy.” He answered. “I don’t know if you have something going on with Richie but I’m sorry if I weirded you out.”

“What are you talking about?” Eddie’s brain had been swimming with different ways this could end but none of them involved Bill saying anything close to this.

“I was talking about how I wanted someone to love me back and then you ran off to Richie. Please don’t hate me.”

“Bill, literally _what the fuck_ are you talking about?” Eddie took a step towards Bill while he took a step back.

“Don’t you and Richie have a thing of some sort?”

Eddie spluttered, choking on his own spit and air, coughing hard. “No,” Cough. “Fuck no.” Cough. “We’re friends.” Cough. “What are you on about?”

“Oh.” Bill’s face fell. “I just thought…you go over there a lot. You say you go on dates but never tell me with who. I just assumed, I guess.”

Eddie caught his breath. “Trust me. Nothing is happening. I…well, let’s say there’s someone else.”

“So, there is someone.”

“It’s nothing important.”

“No, it is.” Bill insisted. “Because you must’ve ran away for a reason and I scared you off and you keep insisting that we’re best friends and nothing more and I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“Eddie, you’re not stupid. I know you’re not.”

“I’m feeling pretty stupid now, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Eddie took in the scene in front of him. Bill’s hair was wild, as if he was running his hands through it constantly. His face looked as if he had been crying, and Eddie knew for a fact that his own face mirrored the same look. But where Bill seemed assured and almost a bit frustrated, Eddie’s body was full of pure confusion.

“You really don’t know?”

“Please enlighten me.”

“I’m in love with you, Eddie.” Bill lip wavered as if he was going to start crying and Eddie felt his heart stop. Eddie brought a hand up to his chest, just to make sure it was still beating. “I have been for a while and I figured you knew. Always talking about how we’re best friends. Acting weird when I mentioned dating you.”

Eddie tried to get words to come out, but his mouth didn’t seem to be wanting to allow sounds to form. Instead, he squeaked, his hands now shaking.

“And I’m sorry if you hate me now. I’d understand.” Bill turned around, walking towards his bedroom.

“William Denbrough you get back here right now!” Eddie managed to get out, he couldn’t believe this conversation, this situation was actually happening.

Bill turned slowly, wincing as he looked at Eddie.

“I have been in love with you since I was 14.” Eddie said, desperately trying to think of a way to put out all his feelings as concisely as possible. “So, if you’re fucking with me, please say so now.”

A tear rolled down Bill’s cheek and he mouth fell slightly open and he walked towards Eddie.

“Y-you…y-you l-love,” Bill paused, trying to focus on talking. His stutter coming out as it often did when he cried. “You l-love me?”

“There’s no way you didn’t know. I literally ran off because you told me I could never be the person you could love.”

Bill shook his head intensely. “I s-said you could never be the p-person who I could come home to who l-loves me back.”

“Are we idiots?”

“I think s-so.” Bill nodded.

Neither of them knew who moved in first but before they could say another word, Eddie was jumping up onto Bill, who wrapped his arms under his thighs to hold him up. Eddie was gripping around Bill’s neck tightly and their lips pressed together. The force of the kiss knocked them back to where Bill fell onto the couch, Eddie’s body pressing him further into the cushion as they tried desperately to get their bodies as close as physically possible.

Eddie felt as if he was dreaming, every inch of his body touching Bill’s in a way that he could never imagined would actually happen. They parted for air, but Bill kissed his way down Eddie’s face, making his way underneath his jaw and stopped there. Eddie let out an involuntary gasp and tried to push his body closer, threading his fingers through Bill’s auburn hair.

“Bill,” Eddie whispered, trying to get his attention. “Billbillbillbill.”

“Yeah?” He brought his head up from Eddie’s neck, looking at him with flushed cheeks and swollen lips.

“Is this really happening? Do you really love me?”

“I really do.” Bill grabbed Eddie’s hips and pushed them into his own.

“Oh god,” Eddie moaned. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Bill said between kisses, continually rocking their bodies together.

The next day, they both showed up to Richie, Ben, and Bev’s apartment after Eddie’s work with matching bruises adorning their necks as well as matching beaming grins, where Richie received $20 from Bev and talked about how he knew all along.

 


End file.
